“B” Christmas 2016
A few days ago I asked followers on my Facebook page to name something in their lives that was unplanned. I wasn’t surprised to read that many comments talked about their children. In the last 29 years I have experienced several events that were not planned. The best unplanned event that I ever experienced was when we conceived our rainbow baby.
In December of 2011 my husband and I lost our first born son. He lived for six days and then he was gone and our world shattered. My grief took a hold of me and dragged me into a deep hole that I was sure I never would come out of. Most days I didn’t want to get out of bed. I walked around like a zombie. However, that is not the unplanned event I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is my rainbow, the beautiful rainbow that came after the storm we experienced.
After losing my son two of my doctor’s advised me to wait a year to conceive. Another doctor advised me that 3-6 months would be okay given my circumstance. We took their advice into consideration and decided to wait. However, 6 months later, on Father’s Day 2012, I took a pregnancy test. I was suspicious but since we were actually trying to prevent a pregnancy and not trying to get pregnant, I didn’t really think I was pregnant. But the test was positive! My excitement was soon replaced with fear and dread. What if I had to face losing another baby? I knew I just wouldn’t survive if that was the case.
During my pregnancy with my daughter B, I was not only a nervous wreck but I was also grieving from the loss of my son. I was never in a really great mood during that pregnancy because I was so sick as well as terrified of every little thing going wrong. But my family was very understanding and were very loving and supportive. At 27 weeks I was admitted into the Hospital because of high amounts of protein in my urine and my doctor was sure that I was going to get Pre-Eclampsia again. 27 weeks was a very significant week for me because that was the week I delivered my son. So when I was admitted at 27 weeks I was immediately terrified. I was put on hospital bedrest and was not allowed to leave the bed unless I was going to a non-stress test, if I was showering using a shower seat or using the bathroom, and even then I was only supposed to be up for a few minutes at a time. I had daily non-stress tests and an ultrasound every few days. My blood pressure never got high and I never showed any signs of pre-eclampsia besides the protein. I remember a specific doctor coming in my room the first week and told me that they were just waiting for me to get sick. and I said “I am not going to.” Four weeks later he came in my room and said ” I just don’t understand why you aren’t getting sick.” to which I replied “I told you I wasn’t going to get sick.” He just shook his head and walked out.
During my hospital stay I remember arguing with God and asking him how he could allow this to happen. He whispered to me “Jenna, watch what I can do.”
I wish I could say that I made it to 40 weeks but that’s not what happen. I made it to 32 weeks. It was Christmas Eve 2012 and I had already had one non-stress test and ultrasound earlier in the day. B had passed both. But the day before the doctors had decided to do two non-stress tests a day. That evening B was unable to pass the non-stress test. The ultrasound technician came in and she was unable to pass the ultrasound as well. The decision to deliver early at 32 weeks via emergency c-section was made. My family arrived and at around 10 pm I was taken back to the delivery room. At 10:39 pm my beautiful rainbow baby was born weighing only 2 pounds and 12 ounces. Her cord had been wrapped around her neck explaining why she was unable to pass the test that night. During my pregnancy she was growth restricted which is why she was so small. But she came out screaming and I felt immediate relief. I wasn’t able to hold her right away but they allowed me to see her and my breath was taken away by this tiny, beautiful girl that gave me instant joy. They took her back to the NICU and worked on sewing me up. It took over an hour which is very unusual and I was told later that my uterus had been hemorrhaging and that is why it took forever. They were able to fix it and around midnight they took me into recovery. I wasn’t able to see B until the next morning. By then she was breathing room air with only a tube just in case and doing wonderfully.
B spent 4 weeks in the NICU. We went to the city everyday to see her. The days and weeks dragged on but finally on Feb. 1st 2013 we went into the NICU and they told us we could bring her home! Every day since with her has been a joyous adventure. B was our surprise. We weren’t planning her. But I wouldn’t change anything about her or our lives now. She is a vibrant, smart, creative, adventurous, loud and beautiful four year old and I enjoy my life with her so much.
I believe more than anything that God knows exactly what we need when we need it. He knew I needed that little girl to put a smile back on my face and bring joy to my life again. He knew that even though my heart would never truly be healed from the loss of our son that B would help heal it as much as it could be healed. He knew I needed her as much as she needed me. I still do. She shows me everyday the beauty that God’s plan has. She is my rainbow.