Learning to Pray Big and Pray Hard
Today is December 1st. December is a hard month for my family, I’m not going to lie. December is the month all my precious children were born. It is also this month that my first child and only son, David, passed away. December 18th, 2011. I have always been a Christian. I have always loved God. I didn’t understand the power of prayer though until I was an adult. When I faced those Decembers I learned how to truly pray.
I learned how to pray hard when I was in the hospital with David. After he was born. After he died. I learned what truly praying hard, praying with all your might, actually meant. I learned how to pray when I no longer wanted to exist. When I didn’t want to get out of bed. When I was begging God to just take me too. So I could be with my son. I learned what truly praying hard through grief, depression and anxiety looked like. I learned how to pray hard when I was in the darkest tunnel life had to offer me. When I saw no way out. Then, after all the praying hard, I saw peace. I saw joy. I saw a future, even though it was without my son, it was still a beautiful future.
I learned how to pray hard.
I learned how to pray big when I was pregnant with my second child. A girl this time. I had the same diagnosis I had with her brother. The same exact gestational week I was diagnosed with Pre-Eclampsia. I prayed big. I learned to pray for a miracle. Praying that some how, some way her precious life would be spared. A month on hospital bed rest. Then my strong-willed fighter was born. She is our Christmas baby. Born on December 24th, just an hour and 21 minutes from being born on Christmas day. She spent a month in the NICU. She was finally able to come home. After all the praying big.
I remember when I was pregnant with B and on hospital bed rest.
I saw a new doctor what seemed like every day. They took their rounds. I don’t remember many of them, but one specific doctor stood out to me. One that I will always remember. The first time I met him, he read my diagnosis, high levels of protein in my urine. However, my blood pressure was normal, I wasn’t swelling. There was no other indication that I had Pre-eclampsia. Except for the existence of protein. After he read the diagnosis, he told the other doctors and me. “So basically, we are just waiting for you to get sick.”
I looked at him as serious as can be and said “I’m not going to get sick.”
I was relying on my faith in God and praying big. I could have easily felt defeated. As though there was no hope for me or my little girl. Praying big required big faith. That is what I was determined to do. The doctor sorta chuckled and said to me “yes you will, there is no question about it. It’s just a matter of when.”
I could have listened to his words. I could have let the fact that he was a doctor with an education and science behind him get to me and discourage me. I didn’t though. You see, God had made me promises. Big promises. Before I was pregnant with David, my first child, a dear Lady I went to church with gave me a note, A word from God she said. She was not sure what the note meant, but she knew God wanted her to give it to me. At the time I didn’t understand it either. I tucked it away in my bible. I didn’t happen to see it again until the first day I was on hospital bed rest. I had grabbed my bible and the note fell out. Here is what it said:
‘Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.”
‘Behold I will do a new thing now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and the rivers in the desert.”
“Put me in remembrance, let us plead together, declare thou, that mayest be justified”
Isaiah 43:18,19 & 26
“My dearest daughter look to no man, but look unto me. Do not listen to man, but only look to these words I give you and wait on me and again I will do as I said I will. Praise me in the hard things and in the good.”
When I read this note I realized God had given these words to me for right then. The doctors were telling me I was going to get sick. They were telling me the chances of going further in my pregnancy than what I did with David was slim. Some even hinted that she may not make it either. I chose to hang on to God’s promises and pray big. I made the decision to look to God only and not man. He asked me not to listen to man but to look at His promises that He had given me. That is what I chose to do. I knew in order to do that, I had to pray hard and I had to pray big.
When the same doctor came in four weeks later, he read the diagnosis again, and said “well, I can’t believe you are not getting sick, how come you are not getting any sicker?” He meant it as a rhetorical question I am sure. I took the opening anyway and said “I told you I wasn’t going to get sick. It is God. He made me promises and I trust in what he says.” The doctor just looked at me, shook his head, and said maybe. I never saw him again. If he actually believed me, I will never know. I learned how to pray big when I was pregnant with B.
All of that happened in December.
This December my husband and I are praying big and praying hard for a different reason. A new season in our life is quickly approaching.
As my husband and I enter into the next chapter of our lives we decided to create something for ourselves. Something to remind us what God has brought us through and what he has done in our lives.
These are not new concepts.
You can buy these signs anywhere these days. What makes them special for us is we made them. We built them together. Just like we have built our life together. They are not perfect, but they represent what we have been through and what we have learned together since being married. Since losing David and having our girls. I will post the final photo as soon as both are finished. They will sit on our mantel, serving as a reminder to us just how faithful God truly is.
Which brings me to this. We will be making and selling these signs, along with several other sayings and scriptures. I will let you know as soon as our shop is up and running. The profits made from these signs will be going to something very important to us. We are not ready to share quite yet what that is, but soon. I just want you all to know how much both my husband and I love each and every one of you. Many of you have been here since the beginning. You have cried with us and rejoiced with us. Our journey would not be the same without all of you in it. Many of you have prayed hard and big right along with us. For that we will always be grateful.