Having Peace In Our Marriages.

Good morning! Welcome to Morning Coffee With The Peaceful Nest. I hope you all are doing well this morning.

Yesterday I touched on having peace within ourselves. We can not begin to create peace in our lives until we develop it within ourselves. Yesterday I gave some tips on becoming a peaceful person. Later this week I will touch on the topic in more depth. You can also go back and read my post on what God says about peace.

Today I want to talk about having peace inside our marriages. After God, our spouse is the most important relationship we have. If we do not protect it diligently, as well as build our marriage up, trying to cultivate a sense of peace in it, then it will become brittle. Easy to break.

The day Ben and I got married it rained. Everyone was freaking out about their hair getting ruined. Including me. Then my hairdresser told me rain actually signifies good luck on your wedding day. It used to be in some Indian tribes they would tie a knot when someone was getting married, to signify two people coming together. I don’t know for sure, but I assume that is where “tying the knot” came from. When it rained, it was considered good luck because the rain would make the knot tighter, stronger, and not as easy to untie.

The significance of this old practice was not lost on me, because only a year and a half into our marriage, our son died shortly after he was born. Here came the rain. Ben and I went through a torrential downpour. The worst rain in our marriage thus far. If this rain did anything, it made the knot of our marriage that much stronger and tighter. Binding us together in ways many think impossible.

I can not sit here and tell you during and after our storm our marriage was full of peace though. No, we both grieved differently and need so much grace during that time. There were arguments and pain. Sometimes there still is, like in most marriages. However, the peace in our marriage came after we both practiced doing certain things to cultivate it. Here are ways we did just that.

1. First we both made up our minds that our marriage and our relationship would never be on the chopping block. No matter what we faced, we would get through it together.

2. We are 100% honest with each other. There are no secrets in our marriage. We both have trust in one another and know that no matter what, the other one will be 100% honest. In order to keep that trust we have to make it a priority to protect it.

3. We keep an open line of communication with one another. Yes we have disagreements but we always talk those disagreements out. No we may not always see eye to eye on a topic, but we both try our best to at least make an effort.

4. We support each other no matter what. Ben doesn’t squash my dreams and I don’t squash his. If there is a desire in either one of our hearts and it lines up with the word of God, we both say go for it, I’ll support you 100%.

5. We protect our marriage from outside influences. Marriages fail and have issues that cause turmoil because one or both spouses fail to protect themselves from outside influences. What does that mean? It means we do not allow anything or anyone come into our lives that have the potential to destroy what we have built. Maybe it seems enticing, maybe it is difficult to unblur the lines, but things like porn, relationships with other people of the opposite sex, keeping secrets, and things along those lines have no business inside your mind, heart, or marriage. If they are there you are opening up the door for man made rain. There is no way to have peace when you have opened the door to turmoil.

6. We always respect each other. In public as well as private. Never degrade your spouse. Never talk bad about them to other people or air your private business to people who have no business knowing. Talk to your spouse in a way you would like them to talk to you. Even when you’re mad at each other.

These are just a few ways my husband and I protect the peace in our marriage.

To recap

1. Make up your mind your marriage is never on the chopping block.

2. Always be honest with one another.

3. Keep lines of communication open

4. Support each other always.

5. Protect your marriage from outside influences.

6. Respect one another always.

I hope you have found these tips helpful!

Until next time xoxo

Jenna Jury

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A Letter To My Husband

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Dear Husband,

I know in today’s society, men like you often go unnoticed, or even worse, are stigmatized and undervalued. However, I want to take a moment to thank you. I know it cannot be easy when people try to take what you value and say those attributes are wrong or not needed. The truth is, the people who try to say we do not need real men anymore are lying to themselves and to others. There are certain tasks that I, as a woman, can not do quite as well as a man. As you.

Thank you for working hard to provide for our family. It is because you make the sacrifices you do that I have the ability to stay home with our children, home school, and pursue my passion of writing. Every morning you wake up at dawn to do manual labor. Manual labor is not a job many people want. You do it anyway, without complaint. You work your hardest to provide for our daughters and me. You make sure we have a roof over our head and food in our stomachs. I may cook the bacon but you bring it home. You do it because you love us. You do it because you are the leader of our household. So thank you.

Thank you for being my steady hand. Whatever life throws our way, I know I can look to my left and see you standing next to me. You know just when to grab my hand and whisper “we’ve got this, we can do anything together.” These words, repeatedly whispered, are often taken for granted. In the mundane day-to-day or the moments I am feeling stressed, you know exactly what to say to bring me back to earth. You never cease to repeat the words I need to hear in our darkest moments. You have come to know me so well, knowing exactly what I need to hear at any given moment. It is because of you that I can stand tall when I want to fall apart. It is because of you that I have made it out of my hardest days. It is because of you I am the woman I am today. So thank you.

Thank you for making me laugh. I knew the moment I met you, if I wanted laughter the rest of my days, then I needed to marry you. You always know exactly what to say to break the ice, lighten a tense moment, bring joy back during sadness. You are the funniest man I know. So thank you.

Thank you for being a real man. In today’s society people are trying hard to emasculate men like you. There are some who have made it their personal mission to convince everyone that men are no longer needed or wanted. They spread lies claiming masculinity is some how wrong, not valued, or unacceptable. They are sadly mistaken. Men of your standard are needed and wanted.

I am not a feminist nor will I ever be one because I refuse to devalue the necessity of hard-working men with morals and values. When we are sleeping and hear a strange noise, I am not the one who grabs our gun and check out what is going on. It is you. Sure I could, but you desire to protect us because you are a man. When we are strapped for cash, it is you that work the extra hours, doing the manual labor. Sure I help where I can but it is you who bring home the bread and butter and I am OKAY with that. I believe it is important that real men understand that the majority of women and people really do appreciate you. We understand how important it is to have a man who leads. A man who is proud to be who God created him to be. These men need a woman who is proud of them as well, Like I am proud to be your wife.

Thank you for being a man for me and our daughters.

Thank you for protecting us.

Thank you for providing for us.

Thank you for always staying true to who God made you.

Love your wife

Eight Lessons I Have Learned in Eight Years of Marriage

Wednesday is mine and my husband’s eight year anniversary. Honestly, I find it so hard to believe we have been married for eight years. It seems like just yesterday I saw him walk into Chapel at Central Bible College and felt my heart stolen from me. On June 12th 2010, I set out on an adventure with Benjamin. I have learned quite a bit during our marriage. We have faced more trials than we expected. We have grown both separately and as a couple. We have built a life that we love together. While I was looking back on our 8 years, I decided to compile a list of the most important lessons I have learned during our marriage.

Sure, there have been more lessons than just these eight. Like the fact that my husband only fills the dishwasher half way before starting it, it drives me batty, but I have learned it is better to just do it myself than bring it up to him. Maybe you have been married longer than 8 years. Maybe 8 years seems like a drop compared to the grand scheme of things. Maybe you aren’t married yet. Wherever you are at in your life, I hope you find even just one of these lessons as valuable as I have!

Lesson Number One

You Are A Team

There are always going to be those days in your marriage where you do not feel like a team. In our marriage we have faced disagreements that seemed mountainous to us. No matter how hard we tried, we just could not see the other person’s point of view. Those moments, those arguments, they are going to happen. Maybe you disagree about how best to discipline your children, or maybe you disagree on finances, in laws, jobs, whatever it may be, those big subjects will come up.

When they do remember you + your spouse = a team

You are on the same side. That never changes.  The sooner you realize this and embrace it, the sooner you can overcome the obstacles that have been placed in your marriage. On the big issues, talk them out as a team, try to understand the other person’s side. Come together on common ground. It is possible.

However, on the small issues sometimes you will just have to agree to disagree. That is okay.

Lesson Number Two

You chose your spouse

Several years down the road or maybe not even several years, after your wedding, you may be faced with hardship inside your marriage. Maybe you will be tempted to look somewhere else for comfort and pleasure. Maybe you will draw away from your spouse, claiming he/she has changed. The love has gone away. If that happens, I encourage you to take a step back. Grab a piece of paper and write down everything you can remember that drew you to your spouse. Maybe they have changed. It is also possible they have not changed all that much and you are just looking for an excuse to escape when life gets difficult. You chose your spouse for a reason. You may just have to remind yourself of that reason every once and a while.

Lesson Number Three

Change is not always negative

I think sometimes we look at change as a bad thing. Not all change is negative. We have to be willing to grow and change right alongside of our spouse. If we are stubborn and refuse to grow WITH our spouse, then we may be creating unnecessary conflict inside of our marriage. I am not the same person Ben stood across from 8 years ago and vowed himself to. He is not the same person either. We have both matured and changed within the walls of our marriage and home, into something much more stable and beautiful, in my opinion. Do not try to stay who you were at 18, 20, 25 or 30. Choose to grow and mature, when you do that your marriage will naturally grow and mature as well.

Lesson Number Four

You need to fight in your marriage

Okay let me say that again you need to fight in your marriage. I do not mean fight with each other. You need to fight FOR your marriage. How? By safe guarding it. By being purposeful and intentional in your marriage with what you say, what you do and with what/who you let in. I’ll say that again. Safe guard your marriage by being watchful with who or what you let in. If a person or a thing is going to tempt you to be unfaithful to your spouse, or put your marriage in the line of fire, then they don’t belong in your life. I wrote an article last year about safe guarding your marriage. I give sound advice on ways I protect my marriage. Protecting your marriage should always be at the top of your priority list.

Lesson Number Five

Your spouse comes before your children

Please let me clarify something. When I say your spouse comes before your children, I do not mean your children’s needs. The needs of your children, their safety and physical/emotional needs should always be a top priority and come first. When I say your spouse comes first I mean do not forget you have a spouse just because you have children. Your spouse is deserving of your time and affection just as much as your children are.

Over the weekend we went to a baseball game. My husband is a huge baseball fan, his favorite team was playing. I could take it or leave it. Our daughters enjoy the thought of going to a game but when they get there the restlessness runs rampant. It rained on us in the second inning. We shuffled our children under the awning to wait it out. There was some crying, a lot of pulling on mommy, and fighting over daddy’s hat. At one point in time our youngest threw herself on the ground and cried. What for? We have no idea other than she was bored and hopped up on to much sugar. My husband consulted with a few people to figure out when the storm would pass. I can count on two hands how many times he asked me if I just wanted to leave. “They’re bored” he said. I looked at him each time and said “no we are not leaving and they can be bored.” The rain moved and we stayed until the eighth inning, when the rain moved back in, we decided that it was time to go then.

Why didn’t I just leave in the second inning? It was obvious our daughters were not feeling baseball that night. The reason is simple: that night was not about them. We went to the baseball game because their daddy likes baseball. We were not going to leave just because they didn’t like it. That is not how life works, and that is not how our family operates.

It is important for our children to understand that mommy and daddy also have likes and dislikes, wants and needs, those need to be attended to as well. It is not always going to be about our children, that is okay. The sooner our children learn that lesson the better. The more considerate they will become. Children watch your marriage, they will learn through you how they need to treat their futures spouses. Make sure they are learning the right way.

Lesson Number Six

Have sex with your spouse

I believe God created sex to be fun and enjoyable. I believe sex is for both women and men to enjoy, in the context of marriage. So this lesson is pretty self explanatory. Have sex with your spouse. Do not be afraid to have fun. You may be surprised at how close it brings you to your spouse both physically and emotionally.

Lesson Number Seven

Whatever you face you can face it together

My husband and I learned this lesson very early on in our marriage. A year and a half after we were married we buried our newborn son David. We learned we could face tragedy together during this time. A circumstance that seemed was going to inevitably tear us apart, wove our marriage intricately together in ways we couldn’t have imagined. It was then that we realized whatever storm came our way, we were better and stronger together.

Lesson Number Eight

Be your spouse’s biggest supporter.

Every one is a critic. The world does not need more of them. Your marriage and spouse definitely do not need more critics. Be an encouragement to your spouse. Be their greatest supporter. Are they wanting to do the impossible? Support them. Are the wanting to change jobs? Support them. Are they having difficulties at work, with friends, etc? Support them. Do not criticize. Do not put down. Do not discourage. Hold your spouse up and encourage. That is what they need from you. After all it what you need from them too.

In my eight years of marriage I have learned many more lessons, but these are the eight that I implement the most in my marriage. What are the most important lessons you have learned?

Until next time xoxo,

Jenna Jury

Creating A Peaceful Nest

When someone walks into my home, whether they are a new acquaintance or an old friend, I have noticed that they will typically say one of two things. “You’re home is so peaceful.” or “You’re home is so cozy.” I group cozy and peaceful together. In my mind they go hand in hand. I always strive to make my home peaceful. Peaceful for myself, peaceful for my kids and peaceful for my husband. I want it to be a safe haven from a cruel world. A place where my family and others can come and feel all their burdens melt away.

I believe most people desire peace in their lives, homes and families. The question is how? How do you create peace within our homes? Our nests so to speak? Is it about the decor you choose? The lighting you have? Is it about the amount of pillows and blankets you display? Or is it something so much deeper? I believe creating peace goes so much deeper than what we own. Creating a peaceful home start with what is inside of us. Are you peaceful? I know that there are many different areas in our lives that can frustrate us. I understand that it can become easy to lose our cool. Do you let your frustration and anger control you? Is creating a peaceful atmosphere more important to you than winning an argument or letting your family know you aren’t happy?

Creating peace is not always simple. That is why I have gathered my top three tools I use to create a home that emulates peace and comfort.

Three Tools To Create A Peaceful Home.

1. Be at peace with yourself. I notice that I am the most cranky and unkind to those around me when I am stressed, insecure, or unsure about myself. My mind may be elsewhere, then my daughter does something that pushes me a tiny bit. I snap. Most of the time that little offense was not worth a raised eyebrow. Let alone a snappy response. I know I am not the only one. Taking the time to look out for yourself, making sure your stress level is down, will make it easier to create a peaceful environment. You know that old saying “if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy?” As funny as that sounds, its 98% true. Children feed off their mother’s energy. They can feel it when we are stressed, hurt, or anxious. It in turn makes them stressed, hurt or anxious. The same goes for our husbands. But aren’t they the head of the household? Aren’t they grown men? True. But there is a reason God created male and female. Women truly are the heart of the home and in turn the heart of society. We have the ability to make or break our families spirits. It is up to use to decide daily if we are going to build up or tear down.

Proverbs 14:1 “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

2. Take a break. Cliche right? We hear that all the time. But I am a mom. I am a woman. I can do it all. I can do everything. HEAR ME ROAR! The reality is all those help books are onto something. We CAN”T do it all. No matter how much we want to tell ourselves we can. We need a village. Back in the day, people and women especially, were more connected than we are today, with those around them. We may be more social online because of technology, but there is a disconnect. We try to do it all and then we look around and realize we have no one to fall back on when we need help. I encourage you. If you find yourself roaring like a lion (not in a good way) to those around you. TAKE A BREAK. Whether it is a break from work, your kids, your family, or society in general. Whether it is 5 minutes or 5 days. Maybe it is just a break to your bedroom, alone for 5 minutes. Maybe it is a trip for 5 days alone or with your spouse. Whatever it may be. Take it. Make it a priority. You are doing no one any favors by trying to do everything and stressing yourself out to the breaking point. Do yourself a favor and refresh. Come back re-energized from that break and start over.

3. Remember that you don’t know what someone is going through. Try to be kind to everyone you meet. Technically those are two things, but I believe they go hand in hand. We really do not know what someone is going through. Keeping that thought in the back of your head will help you focus on being kind to everyone. Whether it is the person you are holding the door open for, the slow driver in front of you, or a family member. I want to tell you a story. In 2011, my husband and I lost our son David. Two days after he passed away, I went to the local CVS to have the photos of his last day developed. I called first to see if they were ready. It had taken hours longer than what was expected. I was growing weary and impatient. I had just had an emergency c-section a little over a week before. I was more than sore, I was in quite a bit of pain. I hadn’t been sleeping because I kept having reaccuring dreams about David’s death. I was more than tired I was exhausted. My milk had come in. I had been pumping non-stop for six days. Then, David died, my body didn’t seem to understand that he was gone. My milk kept coming. I had to pump and dump. That in itself felt like some cruel joke my body was playing on me. I had all of these things on my mind, plus my grief over losing my son. The lady who was on the phone with me was extremely hateful. I remember hearing her impatience with me in the tone of her voice. When I went to pick up the pictures, I was met with the same hateful woman. Rude. She had an air about her, that made it seem as though she thought she was better than everyone else. The hatefulness remained at the store. I held my tongue, although I didn’t want to. A part of me wanted to lay into her. A part of me wanted to scream “I just watched my son die in my arms lady, I don’t have time for your self entitled rudeness” But then I stopped myself. You see, this lady did not know that I had just lost my son. To her, I was just some Jane Doe that came in off of the street. Should that have mattered? No, I believe you should be kind to everyone for this very reason. However, I did not know what was going on in her life either. Maybe she had just lost her son too. Or maybe she was going through a divorce. Or maybe she was struggling financially. Or maybe she was just having a really bad day. I don’t know and I will never know. That day however, reaffirmed in my mind, the importance of being kind to everyone you meet.

Kindness is contagious. It’s just like smiling. When you do it, other people will too. When you are kind then the peace will wash over you like a flood. When you walk into a peaceful atmosphere, something inside of you changes. Your burdens melt away and you start to feel safe from a cruel world. Finding peace in the chaos is just to important not to try.

Until next time,

Jenna Jury

What Being Married To My Husband Has Taught Me


Today I want to share with you a blog post I wrote a few years ago.  It is still so relevant so I decided to post it again!

Enjoy!

Close your eyes and think about one word to describe who you are. Hard isn’t it?

I am more than one thing.
I am a wife, a mother, a bereaved mother, a daughter, a sister, a sister-in-law, a granddaughter, a cousin, a niece, a daughter-in-law, a pet owner, etc.

I am so many things.

All of those things are important.
But today I want to talk about being a WIFE and what it has taught me. I haven’t been married to long, We are going on seven years. But boy does it feel like I have been married forever.

I mean that in a good way.

My husband and I met in February of 2009. We knew each other before then, we went to the same college, but we didn’t really MEET until Feb. of 2009. We dated from May- August. On August 23, 2009 we became engaged. We didn’t date for very long before we decided we were getting married June 12, 2010. We knew we were in love, we were adults, we didn’t see a point in waiting. And I don’t regret it. I fall in love with my husband more and more everyday. Sometimes I don’t remember what my life was like before him. Marrying him was the best decision I ever made.

Being married to him has taught me so much.
Here are a few things I have learned.



Being Married Is Not Always a Walk In The Park


There are times when you have to WORK at being married.I know, work?? To often people get married and assume it is going to be rainbows and butterflies the rest of their lives. Luckily I grew up with parents that didn’t sugar coat the truth. They are happily married, have been for 30+ years. But never did they tell us children it came easy. There are days that my husband and I are irritable, for no good reason. There are bills to be paid, work to be done,  children to raise, etc. and none of it is easy. Sometimes life gets mundane and hard. But it’s better done together, that is for sure.

Being Married Is Fun
I enjoy my husband’s company. I think he’s funny. He makes me laugh, and life is so much better with someone who makes you laugh. I make sure he knows that there’s nothing I would rather do then sit on the couch and hang out with him. It doesn’t matter what we do. It’s fun just to be his wife.

Your Spouse Comes First Then Your Kids


To often spouses fall apart because one parent or the other or both are putting the children before their spouse. I’m not saying that you are supposed to neglect your kids, but children demand so much attention, that sometimes the spouse gets pushed to the back burner. Take a few minutes and greet your husband when he comes home from work instead of ignoring him. Have a conversation, ask him about his day before you start in on what your kids did or didn’t do or before you start fretting over what your child needs to do next. Kids can entertain themselves sometimes. I try to make sure my husband and I have a date night once a week or every other week. It’s good for your relationship to be apart from your children sometimes and it’s good for your children to see you have a life outside of them and that their father is a priority. Remember you were your husband’s before you were your child’s.

It’s OK To Disagree


We are two separate people with different backgrounds, different childhoods, different opinions, different outlooks. My husband and I don’t see things the same way all the time. We argue, not all the time, but sometimes, and that’s ok. We aren’t the same person, we aren’t going to always agree. I don’t waste time trying to make him see things my way or have my same opinion, and neither does he. If it’s not important enough to change your lives in a drastic way, why waste time fighting over it. Of course there are things that do matter and you do have to be on the same page about, work, children, how you spend your money, etc. but don’t sweat the small stuff.

It Is Important To Keep Your Business Private


It irks me to no end when I see people posting all over facebook about an argument their spouse and them just had or complaining about their spouse and how they did this or did that. I go by the age old rule “Do not say anything bad about your husband. to anyone. ever.” l I am loyal to my husband. He’s loyal to me. It’s important to guard and protect your marriage. Why would I go spread gossip and hurtful things about him? That’s disrespectful in the upmost degree. When and if my husband and I get in an argument, that stays between us. We don’t argue in front of our daughter and we keep it between us. My mom told me a long time ago that the best way to protect your marriage is to keep your disagreements and arguments to yourself and don’t go tell anybody about them, not your friends, and definitely not your parents. I’m not talking about full out abusive fights here, that is something that tells you you are in an unhealthy relationship and you need to get help. I’m talking about arguments that every healthy couple has. If you run and tell your parents, they will automatically take your side, and form a negative opinion about your spouse and then when you two make up, you will be mad when your parents still have that opinion. No one wins. So do everyone a favor and keep private things private.

Your Decisions Affect More Than Just You


You can’t always be right. It can’t always be about what you want. There’s two of you in your relationship. You have to think about your spouse and how your decisions will effect them now.

Don’t Bombard Your Husband When He Comes Home From Work


He just had a long day at work and he comes home, you greet him, not with a hug and a kiss but with complaints about your day. You greet him with a honey do list. That just adds to his stress. Give him time to unwind. Let him tell you about his day, listen and let him relax. I’m guilty of doing this, I stay far from the honey do list though. I guess it might be because my mom never did that to my dad or because I hate being told I need to do this or that, why should my husband be any different. If it’s something I can do on my own, I do it. If it’s not my husband will get to it when he gets to it. Telling him over and over won’t help anyone.

Love Is More Than A Feeling


I love my husband. I show him I love him not just tell him. I know when he’s had a long day and I try to take over household duties he would normally do if he’s not feeling up to it. There are so many ways to show your spouse you love him. Don’t just say it, show it.

LIFE IS NOT EASY BUT IT’S BETTER WITH MY HUSBAND


This one doesn’t need an explanation. Life is better with my Husband.

I do have another post written on safe guarding your marriage and if you would like to read that one you can here.

Until next time!

Jenna Jury

Peaceful Marriage

Peaceful Home. Peaceful Family.             Peaceful Life. Part three.

Peaceful Marriage 

Today I want to talk about having a peaceful marriage and how it contributes to having an overall peaceful family and peaceful life. If you have not been following along with my current series Peaceful Home. Peaceful Family. Peaceful Life. you can read the first two posts here:

Part 1 when you have to make the hard decisions.

Part 2 creating a peaceful home.
My goal as a homemaker, wife and mom has always been to create a peaceful atmosphere where my family, the ones I love the most, can come in and just forget all about the outside world. I have learned many lessons since becoming a wife about how to create a peaceful atmosphere. I have learned that it starts within yourself before you can begin to create a peaceful atmosphere in your home. You have to have a peaceful mind first. Another lesson I have learned is that in order for my home to be peaceful my marriage must be peaceful. But how do I do that? Marriage is the union of two very different people in most cases. How do you take those two very different personalities, with different needs, desires, quirks, and upbringings and still create a peaceful marriage and home life? It may seem impossible to some but it’s not and I want to share with you how my husband and I achieve a peaceful marriage despite our differences.

If you know me and my husband well, you know that we have a very peaceful and fun marriage. It’s not because we are anything alike or even that we had similar upbringings. Actually we both had  very different upbringings and our personalities are nowhere near similar. He is outgoing and talkative. Me not so much. He can’t sit still and I love “my down time.” He is such a morning person it can be nauseating. I can’t function unless I have had at least two cups of coffee. But despite our differences our marriage is strong and peaceful. How? There are several things we do to ensure peace within our marriage. Some of them we have done from the beginning. Others we have learned the hard way throughout it. Below are ways we keep peace within our marriage.

  • Make decisions together

When I married my husband, I vowed to share my life with him. We decided that we were in this thing called life together. Since we are in it together, doesn’t it make sense to make decisions together? I have heard many people say that the decision is their decision and their spouse can get over it. Well good for you. Let me know how your marriage is doing in about six months and then we will see if you feel the same way. Decisions, especially big decisions should be made together because it doesn’t just affect you. Every decision you make affects someone else by default. You may not see how it affects them but it does. And often times our spouse may see something that we don’t see and it can be useful to have their wisdom when making a decision. I touched more on this in safe guarding my marriage. 

  • Discuss any decisions with your spouse

Okay so I know that I just said to make decisions with your spouse. And you should make decisions with your spouse. But there are some things that we decide on our own like activities we may do with the kids or going out with our friends. Now please don’t get me wrong. My husband and I are very considerate of one another and we never tell each other what we can or cannot do. If my husband wants to do something and asks me “if I care” I always say “well that’s a silly question, you’re a grown man you can do whatever you want” and vice versa.  But I always run my decisions by my husband just to make sure he’s okay with them. Maybe he had something else planned or maybe he wanted some alone time with me or to do something with the kids. It’s always a good idea to make sure you keep an open line of communication with your spouse. It really will save you from misunderstandings and silly arguments in the future.

  • Keep arguments between you and your spouse

Speaking of arguments. I know I said my husband and I have a very peaceful marriage but that doesn’t mean it isn’t without fault. We do have our occasional argument. But when we do argue we try our very best to keep those arguments to ourselves. We don’t allow our families to see us arguing because it may cause them to feel awkward or it may make them feel as though they can insert their two cents into our marriage and that’s one place our family’s two cents is never allowed. We also do our best never to argue in front of our children. Children need to know their home life is secure and peaceful. Arguing in front of children will make them feel turmoil and uncertainty. Even if you know that your marriage is secure, your child may not. In order to maintain peace for them it is important to keep arguments private.

  • Let your spouse be themselves and enjoy hobbies

I have had a couple friends tell me that some of their friends think it is weird or not good that their husbands play video games or hang out with friends  while playing these video games. First of all- what?? Second of all, here is how I see it. My mom used to tell me that she would much rather her husband be playing video games than be out at a bar late at night. Don’t you have a hobby that you enjoy? Reading? Shopping? Coffee with friends? Allow your husband to have a hobby that he enjoys. Something that he can do to get away from the busyness of life and stress of work. Yes I love my husband and I love my children but sometimes I need to do something for me. Why is he any different?

  • Don’t nag 

Proverbs 27:15 says the nagging wife is like a dripping faucet. Ouch. I don’t want to be compared to an annoying, dripping faucet do you? I try to steer clear of asking my husband to do something over and over. If there is something that needs to be done and I can do it myself then I do. But if it is something only he can do then I will ask him once and he always gets to it whenever he is able. He doesn’t need me to constantly remind him of something. I am not his mother and he is not my child. I have heard some women tell their husbands how to dress or do their hair. I think that is absurd. Most people learn to dress themselves at a very young age. Chances are your spouse did as well and they don’t need your help. I never tell my husband what to do or how to do something. There may be some things that he does that I am not particularly fond of. For example; the way my spouse loads the dishwasher is completely different than how I load it. I strategically load it to make everything fit and make sure as much as I can get in there gets in it. My husband on the other hand will not load it completely full. He hates doing the dishwasher. That’s okay. Instead of nagging him to do it the way I like, I just do it myself. It gets done the way I like when I do it and then my husband doesn’t have to do something he hates while listening to me nag him. Everyone wins. Please remember your spouse is your partner not your child.

  • Keep everyone else out of your marriage

I touched base on this earlier but it is so important to a peaceful marriage that I want to talk about it again. My marriage consists of two people. My husband and myself. My parents aren’t in my marriage, my friends aren’t in my marriage, my siblings aren’t in my marriage, etc. It’s me and him. But sometimes there are people in our lives that’s just won’t stay out of our marriages. Maybe they won’t stop cutting down your spouse or pointing out their flaws. Maybe they know about past arguments or mistakes and won’t let them go. Maybe they won’t stop trying to insert themselves into your discussions or decisions that are between you and your spouse. My mom gave me some sound advice before I got married and I never forgot it. She said after you get married please don’t tell me anything that you and your husband disagree or argue about. Keep the private things private. It is hard for a parent to stay neutral. It is hard for any family member really. So in order to make it easier for our family members and friends it is important to keep them out of your marriage. How do you do that though? I was blessed with understanding parents and family members who keep their two cents to themselves, at least when it comes to my marriage with my husband. But what if you have a parent or family member or friend who just won’t stay out? First bring it to God in prayer. Ask him for guidance and wisdom when it comes that person. Secondly keep anything that is private and between you and your spouse out of any conversation with that person. It may be hard at first but eventually it will get easier. If it doesn’t seem as though that person is getting the hint, maybe they keep trying to push themselves into your marriage, then it would be wise to have a mature sit down with them about your boundaries. My husband and I have had sit downs with people before about boundaries. I can tell you that although the conversation is difficult at the time in the long run they are always worth it and almost always create a much better relationship all around.

  • Let the little things go

We all have quirks. There are things about me that my husband doesn’t really care for and vice versa. For example, right  now as I am typing this there is a laundry basket of clothes in our room that has been sitting there for about five days. No joke. I hate putting away my clothes and if I can put it off I will. This drives my husband batty. He is organized and likes everything neat and tidy. But our room right now is anything but tidy. And it is completely my fault. I know it is. Instead of nagging me or getting upset that I am unorganized or messy he just lets it go. Something that we both tell each other when we joke about our quirks is “you knew who I was when you married me.” And it’s true. So those little things that may be annoying you but honestly don’t really matter in the long run, learn to let them go and just enjoy your spouse. You will invite peace in to your marriage when you do.

  • Have fun together 

I married a very funny man. Well at least in my opinion. He makes me laugh on a daily basis. If we know how to do anything it is have fun together. Now I don’t mean we go out all the time because we don’t. But we do enjoy each other’s company. We appreciate the time we have together. We make memories with one another and with our children. Those are the moments that I look forward to and that really create a strong connection and bond. When you have fun together it also allows stress to leave and puts back into perspective what truly matters.

When you let go of all the little things that don’t matter in the long run, when you stop nagging and start appreciating, when you love your spouse and your marriage then you are able to invite peace in and a peaceful marriage is an beautiful thing you guys. It truly is.

Until next time

Jenna Jury

Safe Guarding My Marriage

 

My husband and I met while we were in college. We knew each other for two and a half months before we started dating.  We dated for three months before he proposed. We were engaged for one year and one month before we were married. To many people this seemed quick and by most of the world’s standards we didn’t know each other long enough and our marriage was destined to fail. Now we have been married for going on eight years. No, it may not have been for very long but I knew from the beginning that our marriage would be for the long haul. How? Because I know we both want to make it work forever. We made vows to one another and both take our vows seriously. This doesn’t mean that we haven’t had our ups and downs. While dating we had some obstacles we had to overcome. The first few years of our marriage were also difficult in some ways. After only a year and a half of marriage our first born and only son passed away. If anything was going to break us that would have been it. But we persevered through it. Through the grief. Through the heartache. Through the darkness. For better or for worse. We both came out stronger and our marriage became stronger as well.

I know that we have a strong marriage for many reasons. One of the main reason is because I make it my job and #1 priority to safe guard my marriage. I do this a number of ways and I want to share these ways with you.  I have learned some of these lessons the hard way and some of them were advice shared with me before I was married. Either way I know that practicing these things have helped my marriage grow and stay strong. ‘

 1. I PUT GOD BEFORE HIM.

God is important to both of us. It is vital that we each have a good relationship with the Lord and we maintain that relationship before anything else. When we put our relationship with God before anything everything else falls into place.

2. I PRAY FOR MY HUSBAND ON A DAILY BASIS.

Every morning when I wake up I pray for the day as well as my husband and children. I pray the Lord gives him guidance and courage. Strength, humility, grace, patience and anything else that I know or feel like he may be needing prayer for at that time. It is important to pray for the person you spend your life with. I want the same thing from him so why wouldn’t I pray for him? There are some areas that I know my husband needs prayer in that he may overlook or maybe the Lord speaks it to me without my husband knowing. Either way praying for my husband is a number one priority.

3. I NEVER PUT MY KIDS BEFORE MY HUSBAND’S NEEDS.

I know  that this is a controversial topic for many women. Notice I said before my husbands needs. I do want to clarify that my children’s needs are always met first and foremost.However, my husband is number one only after God in my life. This may seem downright wrong to some people. What could I possibly mean I put my husband before my kids? Like I said, my kids needs will always be met first. But what I am talking about is I refuse to invest all my time and energy into my children while ignoring my husband’s needs. Some may say well he is a grown man he can take care of himself. In most cases yes that is true. But my husband does have some needs that can only be met by me. Whether it’s physical affection, my undivided attention or even making sure he has time to himself. I can meet those needs so why wouldn’t I? I have heard of several women who have invested all their time and attention into their children while neglecting their husbands then once their children grow up and move on, their marriage is broken and distant and they are lost. I knew my husband before I knew my children. I married him before I had my kids and I chose him because I wanted to build a life with him. I cannot build a life with him if I neglect him in the process.

4. I NEVER WITH HOLD PHYSICAL AFFECTION.

I once read a story about a woman who was angry at her husband. She wanted him to do something for her around the house but he never did. So she decided to with hold sex from him until he did it. I don’t know how that worked out for her but I can imagine that it just ended miserable with a bitter husband and angry wife. I never with hold sex from my husband or any other kind of physical affection. The only time we abstained from sex was after giving birth to our children for the minimum amount of time the doctor recommended and while I was on hospital bed rest. First and for most I never want my husband to feel rejected or unwanted. Even if I’m tired. Being turned down may not be a huge deal to us as women but to a man it can be. It is also not a sure fire way to get a man to do anything except maybe go somewhere else for what they aren’t getting for you. That may seem harsh but don’t you want your husband to meet your emotional needs? Their physical needs are to them what our emotional needs are to us. So why with hold it? I desire to feel wanted and needed by my husband. I know he desires to feel wanted and needed by me. Those desires may be met different ways for each person but most men feel desired when their wives show them they are through physical affection. Just like women are shown they are desired by emotional connection. If we expect our men to strive to give emotional connection to us. Shouldn’t we give them what they desire as well?

5. I DISCUSS ALL DECISIONS WITH MY HUSBAND.

I never make a decision without speaking to my husband about it first. Most decisions affect both of us as well as our children. I would be furious if he made a decision that affected our family without me. So why wouldn’t I give him the same respect? After all he works hard and provides for us. He deserves to be consulted about decisions. I also seek his wisdom and guidance when making decisions. He is a very wise man and he may see something that I don’t see at the time.

6. I NEVER SPEAK BADLY ABOUT MY HUSBAND TO ANYONE.

There is nothing more awkward in my opinion than when someone tells you something negative about their spouse with such ease. Or when I’m scrolling through Facebook and I see something negative written about someone by none other than their spouse. It is better to keep arguments and pet peeves and private things between your spouse and yourself. Because when a family member or friend hears about an argument or something negative about your spouse said by you, chances are they will side with you and feel upset for you. When you and your spouse make up they now know about the argument, negative thing, private thing etc. And their opinion on your spouse may be a bit lower than before. So unless it’s abuse (because if you are experiencing abuse of any kind I urge you to seek help immediately) keep your arguments to yourself and don’t run to tell your parents or best friend about them.

7. I NEVER DEGRADE OR HUMILIATE MY HUSBAND IN PRIVATE OR PUBLIC.

My husband is my best friend. We share our life together. We have children together. I respect him and he respects me. There may be things about me that he isn’t fond of and vice versa. That doesn’t give me permission to degrade or humiliate him in private or in public. If he was to do that to me I would be hurt deeply. Same goes for him. I never talk down to him or make him feel as though what he thinks or how he feels is not relevant or important. I always cringe when I see a post online that is degrading to a person’s significant other. If a person will say some of those things in public or online I can only imagine how they treat their spouse in private.

8. WE DO NOT ARGUE IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS OR ANYONE ELSE.

Arguments stay private. Even if I am fuming mad at my husband I keep it between me and him. If we are at a public place or with friends or family we put our argument on hold. It can be hard. There have been times where we were in an argument and our daughter walks into the room. The last thing I want to do is hit the pause button and act like I’m okay but I have to. It’s for my daughter’s benefit. We don’t argue in front of family or friends either. I can be easy to read so this can be difficult to accomplish when I’m upset. However, in order to keep my family or friends out of mine and my husband’s business and avoid making them feel awkward it is necessary. We keep private things private.

9. WE DON’T KEEP SECRETS FROM ONE ANOTHER.

This one is pretty self explanatory. We may have surprises, for example my husband threw me a surprise party about a month ago. But we never keep secrets from one another. Trust is an important part in safe guarding a marriage. You can’t have trust if you have secrets.

10. WE HAVE FUN TOGETHER.

My husband is the funniest man I know. I laugh at all his cheesy jokes even if I’ve heard them before. He always knows how to brighten my day or make me feel better when it has been a rough day. We make sure to make time for one another and to have fun together. Whether it is watching one of our shows together during the week, going out on a date, or doing something fun with our girls. When we have fun together life is more fun which makes our marriage more fun.

These are important steps I take to safe guard my marriage and keep it strong. What are some things that you do to keep your marriage strong?

Until next time!

Jenna Jury

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